I say we do this all over again

I am going to try this blog thing again...hopefully it will work.

My life was glued together these past years up until Aug.

It all came apart. My plans went completely down the drain. I found out that my dad is cheating on my mom....again....and my therapist says that I am getting too involved with my parent's marriage and that I should move out. Not really a bad idea....except that I have no money to move out with. My parents wanted me to be school focused and all my money was going towards that....now I am going to get student loans....just to stay sane. My dad doesn't get it, that I can't live at home. He thinks loans are a horrible idea. I went through the school bullshit and there isn't anything else that I can do besides that.

A few days after I found the evidence my dad was cheating on my mom, I ran into the man who molested me in a Christian bookstore....yep. Looking at the man who I attempted to put into prison and failed in the face isn't fun. I don't know if he recognized me....I hope he didn't.

And to top off all the news, I have no idea where I am going faith wise. I know that it isn't important to some people, but it is important to me. I have no idea where I should be right now.

What I can tell you is that my blogs are going to become more interesting.

5 pills a day?

I went to my doctor on Friday. She changed up my dosage a bit. Now at night I take 2 carbatrol and 1 AmbienCR. (Soon to be switched to Ambien) In the morning I take 1 Lexapro and 1 Carbatrol. That is 5 pills a day. I am not to excited about this. This Tuesday I am going to my GP to figure out what to do with my underactive thyroid. The treatment of this is another medication. So that will be 6 a day. I feel like a guinea pig. My doctor doesn't even know if this combination of medicine is going to work. They are just taking a chance and hoping that it will. I just want to scream. I usually just resort to crying though.

To add to my complications, things are really going well in a sense of spiritual matters. I don't know what to do about my church, but I have put that on the back burner of things.

Being Up All Night Is A Roller Coaster Ride Of Emotions

I have been up sense 5:30 pm. It is now 5:37 am. During my adventures I have ate dinner with my parents, went shopping, watched some TV, checked my email, searched for a job, and went on a roller coaster ride. I think roller coaster is two words...spelling is something that I have never been good at. One minute I am fine and the next I am crying because something in my life wasn't ______ because of ______ (fill in the blanks) It was different each time. I am going to the doctor tomorrow morning to have my meds adjusted...not fun.

About one in the morning I went outside to smoke. The coldest smoke I have ever had. I stood there freezing wondering if my neighbor across the street was going to come out and play a song on the guitar. It didn't happen. Middle of my cigarette I was trying to get some ash off and the cigarette broke in half. I was not happy. I then had a difficult choice to make...light up another one or just go inside and get warm. Well my nicotine fit wasn't over so I lit up another. I really wished the mysterious guitar person would come outside and strum a little bit. I am thinking about making them a little card that lets them know that I like it when they play the guitar. It gives the street a soundtrack, but I don't want them to think I am creep so I am not going to.

Piercings

Once upon a time, Heather(me!) had a tragus, rook, snakebites, and a nose piercing. I enjoyed the piercings very very much. Before I joined the church (June 27, 2009), I took all of them out. Recently I was able to put back my rook and tragus piercings back in. They were the older of the five(snakebites are 2). They were not closed up to badly. I still really miss my other ones though. A piercing place is having an amazing deal this Friday and I don't want to miss out, but I am still debating if I am sure getting my piercings put back in is the right thing to do. I like them, but I am told not to by the church. It is more high expected and highly guided that I don't have them. I really like them though. I don't know what to do. I wish I did because Friday is coming up quickly.

Privacy and my Thyroid......

So I am LDS, Latter Day Saint, Mormon. We have what we call home teachers. Mine decided to come over very late...10 pm. It really isn't that late, but visitors...we just weren't expecting them. I was in my room jamming out to my ipod in my underwear dancing around. I am a dork I know. I usually don't tell people that, but if I don't the story won't be as embarrassing. Anyways so my ipod is cranked to the max. I can't hear anything. Then I turn around, and my mom has the door open! I freak out, start screaming a whole bunch of swear words, partly because I am embarrassed and I was surprised. I turn off the ipod and ask her what she was thinking. She then states, "Are you expecting anyone?" I wasn't. I get dressed and I am still screaming because my privacy was just invaded....I know what you are thinking..."why didn't this crazy chick just lock the door?" Well my bedroom doesn't have a lock. I just always trusted that my parents would knock...which she didn't....grrr on mom.

It turns out that there was people at the door and it was my home teachers. A pleasant surprise even though I was still angry. We talked for about an hour about what is going on in my life and how it is completely falling apart and I don't know what to do. They were really cool about everything even when I told them that I am smoking and I really wanted a cigarette at that very moment. I also know what you are thinking, "Ew...how can she smoke that is sooo nasty?" Well to answer you question. I like to know how I am going to die and cancer sounds really good right about now. That and it isn't to hard to get the smell out...it is called bathing. Back to that night. My hometeacher just asked that the next cigarette I had I would cut it in half...I wasn't to happy. Wasting tobacco and nicotine, but I said I would...and I did! I like to keep most of my promises.

I talked to my mom about her invading my privacy and she said that my dad chewed her out for it the night before GO DAD!!! Him and I have a rocky past so it is good to hear that he sticks up for me. Anyways she said sorry and that she wasn't even thinking to knock and that she didn't mean to walk on me changing...she thinks I was changing, Woot! My secret is still safe! I accepted her apology and we agreed that we are getting a lock for my door. So all and all everything turned out alright for the moment.

Now to my thyroid...not really much to say hear, I got some blood work done and it showed that my thyroid is not working correctly. I have to go to my regular doctor to figure out how to fix it...at least now I know why I am having trouble losing the weight. (That is a symptom of having thyroid problems)

Just a little fun fact. My guinea pig is sitting on my desk right now checking everything out. She is really old and her name is Fudgie.

I just want some sleep.

Saturday night I decided to go to bed early because I wasn't feeling well. I went to bed a six. Well at nine o'clock my mother came into my room and handed me my medicine. I would of rather skipped a night to be woken up. Especially tonight because I have been up sense then. It is now five twelve Sunday morning. I have tried going to sleep, but nothing seems to be working. It is moments like these that makes me want to scream. That of course would not help me sleep. It would most likely just wake me up even more. I am also not wide awake. I am this weird half awake half a sleep and I just can't get over the hump to fully sleeping.

I am curious to why I am wide awake. Is it a medicine side effect or is it just my body being weird. I never know any more. My new medicine causes bruises from nothing. So I have to check my body for random bruises. I feel like I have to keep a list of what I knock into that way when a bruise appears I know if it really a bruise or medicine just annoying me.

This next part I have to give a little background information. My mother, even though I am 18 still takes care of all my medical stuff. The reason for this is because if I was in charge I wouldn't do it and I would be far worse than I am now. I guess for my mother to do this I have to sign over medical power of attorney. It allows my mom to talk to my doctors and schedule my appointments and such. I really don't know how I feel about it. I can say no, but then I would have to take responsibility on that part of my life and I rather not at this point. I am not a good multitasker when it comes to the important stuff. I don't know exactly how it works, but that is the main point. I am wondering if I can get more specific like to which doctors and what matters they are allowed to discuss. That would make me feel like I still had some 18 year old rights beside voting. Random fact: I am registered. I will have to talk to my psychiatrist(women who gives the meds) more in detail on the 20th. That is my next appointment.

I wish I could say I am ending this because I am going to go to sleep, but I am not. Maybe I will go learn to play my guitar. I got it on ebay for about 5 bucks. Nice guitar...just never learned how to play it.

This is a new thing for me. I don't know exactly where this is going to lead. A few years ago I went to a doctor and was told I had ADAH and Depression. I was about 14. It was hard handling the news and juggling the beginning of high school. I stopped taking the medicine that the doctor gave me. My mother was not satisfied with the short appointments and then I got medicine. A few years later my mother took me to a different doctor. This doctor said that I was bipolar. I hated taking my medicine so I stopped. I hated the idea that I needed a pill to make me happy. My mother decided to take me to a Natural medicine based doctor. She spent a lot more time talking to me and trying to really getting inside of my brain, but it was the same stuff. It was medicine it was different minerals and vitamins that would have an effect on my brain. We could never find the perfect combination. I stopped going there. I then fell off the deep end. After being hospitalized for my suicide attempt I went to a new doctor. The one I have now. I wish I could say that the medicine world finally created something that worked, but I would be lying. Up until a month ago things were ok for the most part. Then the realization that my medicine's side effects were actually taking effect. I started gaining weight. Too much weight. My doctor decided to take me off the Depakote...she thinks that is what is causing this weight gain. This is where I am at now. Getting off the Depakote and on to some medicine that starts with a C. That is the shortest back story to where I am now that I could give. As this blog continues you will learn more, but more now that is sufficient.